Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
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My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Terribly Tuesday.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.