DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
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My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!