Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
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If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”