cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
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Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
This is my bus stop.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan