carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
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If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
If looks could kill
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car