My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
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if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>