Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
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Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
“you recording!?”
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I’m having an out of money experience.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?