When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
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if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
me when I see my crush
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too