I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
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It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.