Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
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[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Happy Caturday!
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.