*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
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My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
what the
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk