Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
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You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.