I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
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Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.