Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
You Might Also Like
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Ain’t no way