Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
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Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.