Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
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“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.