Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
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Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.