[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
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Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
O Wise One….
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”