One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
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Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news