Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
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date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.