Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
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I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
wishing you and yours all the best
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.