I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
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IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.