It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
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I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”