Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
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Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Life with a cat in one tweet
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Sending in my taxes
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy