“Morning, how was your weekend?”
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Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”