if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
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[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*