You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
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*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I missed you with all my darts