Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
You Might Also Like
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I love the National Park Service.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Saw your ex at the shops
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Breaking news:
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.