my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
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left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Cheers Twitter.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her: