I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
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Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.