[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
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Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you