A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
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Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
me and the Superbowl rn
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch