If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
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*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.