Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
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When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever