My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
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No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
WHY?!
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Me, in DM rooms…
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
how many bears make up a bear minimum