Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
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calling in to work dehydrated
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away