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Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Did I do this right
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy