they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
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*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Holy moly
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
My dog ate my work from home.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples