The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
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Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
#Caturday
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
twitter is a journey
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy