C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
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Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
an airline just for babies.
Jail
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”