I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
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“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
you will never know the true number of layers