“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will