Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
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[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
In banana years, I am bread.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”