its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
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My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Grandmother clock.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
crying
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?