The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
You Might Also Like
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Good dog. ❤️
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it