My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
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what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
How did we not see this back then?
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”