In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
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Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.