Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
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*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Social Media and Real life
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?