Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
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[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.