Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
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It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Oh no
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”